This is a lovely little intro isn't it? Jake here is a successful...something. I'm not sure they ever say what his role in the company is but he's had it since he was 15. Coincidentally, he started smoking when he was 15. Now I'm not entirely sure what the time period of this game is but I don't believe that 15 year olds are allowed to work at cigarette companies. I would imagine that has some sort of conflict of interest; 15 year olds aren't allowed to smoke. Then again this is apparently the future; stupidly named doctors who are ALSO scientists can make themselves small enough to fit inside a human body without any apparent discomfort. They've also developed a plasma gun, or maybe it's a flamethrower, that can kill "bad things" within the body but not hurt the good tissue at all. Why don't they just develop this technology in a different way? Instead of spending all that time shrinking ONE guy down and having him run willy nilly throughout the body washing away tar and cancerous cells, why not just bathe the person in this plasma? A cup of plasma a day keeps death by cigarette away!
However you came here to see me suffer through this game and look at the pretty pictures so here they come.
This is what you'll be staring at for the rest of the levels. Some will be less toothy and others...well, they'll ALL be less toothy. However I find this stage is probably the most visually appealing despite the implausible length of this guy's teeth. Good thing he only has tar on his teeth instead of cancer. Poor Rex would spend 3 weeks cleaning out the cancer instead of 2.5 weeks cleaning out tar.
Afterwards we go down deep, deep, deep into the..trachea. The nastiest snot-ridden trachea I've ever been witness to. It's a basic 3Dish descent with platelets, or aliens, or maybe those robots impeding the way in addition to throat closing snot walls. Can smoke go through mucus this easily? What about food for that matter? Does Jake eat every cigarette that he gets paid? Or does he sell them for booze?
Did I mention the robots? They're very fervent in their mission. And by fervent I mean this:
What the hell guys? They walk over my frail body and the second I get up I'm hit again. If I get lucky I'm knocked over and I can get up in time to shoot them twice before getting my mudhole stomped again. Then walked dry. And stomped some more.It's a good thing I went to the effort to make Game Genie codes for this nonsense. Complain all you want, this game is annoyingly stupid.
By golly I think the trachea and heart are working together. They've both adopted the same attack pattern but have changed colors in order to fool me. And they are doing a terrible job at it; I can still fly through holes like a drunk flying elephant in the circus.
Ye gods Jake is dying of a heart attack right this god damn minute. Get your plasma gun in there and clear out all that fat! And the killer robots that respawn instantly and fly through organs like nobody's business! Screw medicine, we've got PLASMA GUNS! Also you better hope you have the Flamethrower version instead of the cannon version. Because this fat crowds up quick and the cannon does a terrible job of cleaning. Cannons are much better for killing.
The brain is boring, long and repetitive. Much like real brains of boring cancer patients, it just goes on and on and on. And down. Then over again. Some more down, a few up. Then you get to the boss, the final nicotine addiction. Surprise, it's exactly like the heart fat but it doesn't spread nonstop and won't immediately kill him! But the flying troop carriers respawn a lot. Then you kill the addiction and this travesty is finally over.
The size of this transport is incredibly inconsistent.
"Fails" is indeed accurate. MAN DECRIES CIGARETTES. CIGARETTE COMPANY FAILS AFTER MILLIONS LISTEN. What about all the jobs from the loss of the cigarette companies? Where will these people go? What will they eat? Jake has shown that eating cigarettes is only slightly more healthy than smoking them.
Never again. Not even if you pay me. Especially if you pay me in cigarettes from Blackburn.EDIT: I actually started this June 1st 2008, but it didn't get posted until April 9th 2009. Hurrah?
